Joel Osteen Speaks Poverty Out of Existence
Words, spoken in faith and declared in the name of Jesus, have great power.
Or so it seems.
Joel Osteen, the renowned Prosperity Gospel preacher and author of the (in)famous New York Times Bestseller Your Best Life Now has taken his faith to a whole new level.
"When I looked out into the world, and saw all the poverty and hopelessness, I said in my heart, 'it is enough.", said Osteen - who had declared in Jesus' name that he would be teleported to the city of Winnipeg so he could be interviewed by the Winnipagan. "I then knew, deep down in my heart, that God was waiting .... waiting for me to utter those faith-filled words that would change the world as we know it."
According to sources, Osteen uttered the words "I declare, in Jesus' name, that every poor soul will be made rich, and that every hungry soul will be filled". Immediately upon doing so, darkness covered the face of the earth for a full seven seconds, after which every lowly hut suddenly turned into a mansion, and every soul was suddenly granted an abundance of earthly wealth.
"This is great!", Osteen exclaimed. "I always knew I could speak my desired reality into being, but ... now I really believe it. Anyways, time to head back to my mansion for lunch. I've got to go meet up with some guys from this thing called the Babylon bee later." With that, he declared in Jesus' name that he would be at his mansion for lunch, and immediately vanished.
At publishing time, reporters from the Winnipagan returned to their office to find that all their computer and office equipment was somehow mysteriously upgraded. "I guess we qualified as poor", one of them was heard saying gleefully.
