Report: 'Teenage Theologian' Disagrees with Virtually Everyone on Virtually Everything
It's true. A self-proclaimed Teenage Theologian thinks he knows the scriptures better than everyone else - even those who have had many more years to learn than him.
Meet sixteen year old Samuel Hodgson. He is the second child of a nine-child, homeschooled family. Due to his academic excellence, he is already in his 12th grade, and eagerly looking forward to pursuing theological studies at a very liberal 'Christian' university next year (perhaps because he hopes to teach the professors there a thing or two).
Samuel goes to a church made up almost entirely of large homeschooled families. "There's hardly any doctrine taught", he lamented to reporters earlier today. "And whenever they do teach doctrine, it is blatantly and utterly unscriptural. You have no idea how many sermons I sit through where I struggle with all my might not to facepalm myself till kingdom come."
Samuel's one older sibling - a sister named Jennifer, aged 20, - is somewhat disheartened by her younger brother's constant "theological fly-swatting". "You know, he needs to stop focusing on all this theological mumbo-jumbo, and focus on what really matters. All this head-knowledge isn't helping him. He needs to focus more on having a personal relationship with Jesus."
Samuel, who unfortunately happened to be within earshot when his sister's statement was made, rushed back to reporters and would have fully destroyed his sister's statement, had the reporters not respectfully asked him to leave.
At publishing time, Samuel reportedly was in his soundproofed den, in his parent's basement, writing a 3000 word blog post in refutation of his sister's statement, while simultaneously engaging in a theological debate on Facebook and playing a good game of Assassin's Creed to channel off some of his righteous anger.
