Calvinist in Hospital Recovering from Altar Call
A Local Calvinist is in the hospital, recovering from the nervous breakdown and shock he experienced while sitting through an altar call earlier this evening. Already somewhat agitated by the theologically lacking sermon given prior to the altar call, Jeff Williams, 37, began slowly but surely descending into shock as the altar call progressed. It all started when the pastor pleaded “Jesus loves you all, and he has a wonderful plan for each and every one of your lives. Why not accept that plan?” If that was not enough to shock the sensibillities of any well-groomed calvinist, the congregation was then instructed to turn in their hymnbooks to the song “Softly and Tenderly” - a song which all Calvinists everywhere loathe, for obvious reasons. Williams’s state only worsened when the pastor gave his second appeal. With a voice almost breaking due to sorrow and earnestness, the pastor whispered “Jesus is pleading. Jesus is pleading for everyone present here tonight. Oh, how it must break His heart to see you turn Him away. Come – come to the front, and accept everything He has to offer.”. Before Williams had a chance to recover, the congregation launched into the second verse of “softly and tenderly”. By the pastor’s third appeal for people to come up to the front, Williams was obviously hallucinating. With contorted face, and labored, shallow breathing that could be heard clearly in every corner of the sanctuary, he collapsed onto his bench – much to the bewilderment of that one ‘precious soul’ who had finally ‘responded to the call’ and was passing by Williams’s bench on his journey to the ‘altar’. The first response of the congregation was to assume that he was so completely overwhelmed with conviction that he could no longer stand. Several persons, seeing his supposed fate, quickly made their way to the altar, lest they also be struck down in such a mighty manner. It was not until after “Softly and Tenderly” was sung, and the remainder of the congregation was directed to exit and remain quiet so those who went forward could receive counselling, that a few of the ushers went to check on Williams. Seeing that he was clearly in shock, an ambulance was called, and he was delivered to the hospital. At publishing time, Williams was once again coherent, and sitting in his hospital bed feeling quite tender, and reading John Calvin’s commentary on Romans in an effort to recover from the shock more quickly.
